finished

Its over.
The exhibition process was ... what can I say....emotional? Stressful? Words escape me and in the end I find it difficult not to think there was some personal issue - the course leader is possibly one of the most obstructive, unpleasant, egocentric people I have ever met. I am left wondering what the purpose of the process was? I talk to people on other courses and the end of year show is treated as an opportuity to showcase the students work, they are actively given help and encouragement and direction from their tutors - this is not something in my experience, nor the experience of my fellow students from what I can gather.
The placing of my work behind a door was a clear indication of their belief in it. And on the night the door was propped open against my work so most of it was hidden. I really wasn't sure what to make of it.
I tried. I fought back. And I can hold my head high knowing I kept going despite no encouragement, no guidance, no opportunity. I wanted my wire piece to be displayed - at the very least it was a piece of interest - but no choice was given - it was her show - it came down.
And I understand that, I understand she works for a college that pay her wages, she must show that the college is producing students who make new work but I also know my work stimulated some discussion and response - but what did it say being put behind a door?
Its over.
I worked damned hard. In the last 6 years I have seen death, breakdown, divorce, house move - my god so much life! And still I kep going and in the last 6 months I put so much work into it.
Its over.
I got a 2:2.
I am disappointed. It isn't me being hard on myself as usual. I am not going to wallow in the feeling of disappointment but examine it - what is it telling me?
I looked back at why I was doing this.
Time to be honest.
I started this process because I needed to be creative again. Art was missing from my life - well something was!!
I knew as I went into this that I wasn't a fine artist. I am creative, I enjoy the creative process but I can't conceptualise. I feel but I am unable to transpose those feelings into something visual. Whatever I try to make is never successful enough. 
I wanted a degree. I had not had that opportunity from school. My mother said if I went to university I wouldn't have a home to come back to. I wasn't brave enough to go. This was my chance. I didn't want to do fine art - I felt art and design might be better or surface textiles was my true love....but I worried I would want to express myself too much and I couldn't do them part time. And I had to work, I had children.....I made a choice. I thought that I could do fine art.
I enjoyed the aspect of self expression but thats not always enough in fine art and actually what I enjoyed more was the process of making art - the exploration of materials, effects, I struggled when I had to add a meaning to it - I failed when I had to do that.
I was told I wasn't a conceptual artist - ah relief - but at the same time I was told that this course was not designed for people like me and so I would struggle. I was lead by conceptual artists who didn't seem able to help me find my own way in my process.
And every time I was forced to add  a meaning to my work - which I did - and immediately it started to fail.
Maybe, in hindsight, I should have stuck out for myself but I so wanted to be one of those people who could express themselves visually. One girl produced a piece of work about her surgery using bandages - it was brilliant - I would never be able to think that way. I would be more interested in what was happening to the bandages. And thats ok its just that I don't feel nurtured in that place by the course I have just completed.
I feel fixed in a place that I should never have been fixed to - and my mark reflects that.
My mark.
Issues - to be honest I don't have much respect for the tutors. I know the work I put in. I know my work was successful and deserved better than I got and in some way knowing that blows what I am about to say out of the water however if I am to respect these people then my result is a sort of validation of the work I have done. It is a measure of how good I am and all I am worth is somewhere between 50 and 60 (story of my life!!) These professional people are assessing my work and saying it is only 'good' - I still have some way to go.  
And as I am about to try and now make a living in this field it is something that has caused me to evaluate myself.
I want to be sure of my reasons for doing.
My reason for getting this degree was outward recognition. It was to say to those that said I couldn't that I could. It was so that people would think I was clever, talented. I wanted to prove to myself I could do this.
And yet I was setting myself up for a fall before I even started. It was the equivalent of taking a physics degree! And if I look at it that way I did great! But I did it for the wrong reasons and whenever you do something for the wrong reasons you don't get rewarded.
I have learnt nothing about making art. I have learnt plenty about the business and the composition but nothing about how to tap into myself. I have learnt that I can be creative painting teacups - I don't want to have to add a meaning onto it all the time - and who are they to say that I am not successful.
If I think back to 2 years ago when this all started we had to say what we were going to over the 2 year period - I wanted to look at line. Lines interest me but for no greater deeper meaning than they interest me. It isn't saying anything deep and meaningful about me, I'm not trying to communicate something hidden in my pscyhe through them - if anything I like drawing, doodling. I wanted to see if I could use different materials and take a line off the wall. BUT NO!!!! I HAD to attach meaning!! So I said I was drawing attention to spaces........was I buggery!! I was doodling!! And as soon as I did that I created a space where she could tell me I wasn't successful. Where she could measure me. Of course I'm not successful - lots of much more interesting ways to draw attention to space! I wish I had the nerve to stand by myself and say - its about nothing - its a process. But still I don't quite get process - more understanding to be had there.
I did do well. Whatever the reason, I learnt some things and I got to do some art - albeit mostly rubbish!
And I am left now wondering what to do. I know people like Damien Hirst and others left college with no degrees, a degree is not a measure of your talent as an artist but the truth is I don't think I am an artist.
I don't know what I am. Who I am.
All I know is its no big deal.
I will try to enjoy being creative for the joy of it. No need to produce anything with any meaning anymore. And nor do I want to. And maybe in doing that my meaning will come out.
I feel like I am starting now. Trying not to say what a waste of 6 years.
I have a degree. At least I can use that to get me on but that degree is a measure of my success at my subject - and it shows I'm not successful.
So thats that eh.
Much reconsidering to do.
Right now am tired, very very tired. This whole thing has change my life - brought about irreversible changes when all the time I just had to to love myself.
Relationships are over. A phase of life is over.
Its over.
Its all over