I was contemplating whether to start it up again or whether to post under a different name but that is the issue here.
I have been hiding. I have been afraid to speak out and be my truth and really if I am going to do this then I need to be 'out there' and stop restricting people from seeing me, the real me.
I do that so I don't get hurt. We all do. But there is something brave and vulnerable in saying 'this is who I am' and it's time for me to do that.
All that has gone before....has gone. All that art work, the figuring out of stuff, seems a lifetime away. I have moved on; so much further on. And I have learned so much since.
I'm still doing art but now a masters in art psychotherapy. Using the power of art to heal and access parts of our inner psyche that we keep tightly wrapped up. Art gains access without you knowing. It is a wonderful process.
So my own work is not so much - mainly things I am trying to work out. What I haven't worked out is how to make those things .......no!!! I was going to say how to make those things desirable to others so I can show them - but this is the thing! This is what I have been doing - .....what would they like to see? And making that rather than making what I want and tough titties if people don't like it.
I did tree/people drawings - that was to help me work through the end of a love affair. They were exposing and vulnerable and they were well received in the main. Need to stay focused on that
For now the reason I have started this up again is the wonderful world of relationships.
I saw something and it looked like something I was trying to do too. It wasn't what it seemed. Things reveal themselves in time. But, dear reader, I got hurt. Badly. And as I was sobbing I had a moment of clarity.
I could see my vulnerability. I could see what I was searching for and I could see that if I continue to operate behind this 'front' I won't ever find it. There is a reason people don't truly know me.
And I'm scared. I am full of fear. And excitement in part. I am full of fear of stepping off that precipice and making that leap because I have no idea what is waiting for me. And my life has been about control - trying to keep control. But how can I expect to meet someone who will truly know the dusty corners of my soul if I don't show people the dusty corners of my soul.
I'm not talking about marching out and peeling off my skin and allowing everyone to see me in all my glory but I have to find a way of being true to myself and at the same time protecting myself from those that would hurt me. If I figure it out I'll let you know.
The thing that made me cry so much a love filled day. Making love, walking, dancing. My heart aches, aches with the pain of not having what I wanted.
They are beautiful people. Fragile and brave and daring. And wonderful to have found each other.
So, time to start being me. So many layers to peel back to find who that is. Time to trust in the universe. Properly trust. To say I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore I want to be authentic and real and alive and embodied and to know, really know who I am and be ok with that.
I am going to devote time and meditate and work and trust that the universe will reveal the answer to me. In this life I am slowly disappearing.
I don't know at this point what is going to happen or how but I am determined things will change. I will reflect on my life and I will learn and transform.
Much love xx
