something stirring....

Something is a-stirring in me! ha ha!

The end of the degree has raised some deep thoughts - what's it all been about? What to do now? What is my art? I wonder if they are all too deep? It really has thrown me - I feel nothing, no sense of achievement at all - what a discouraging set of people, I have put my all into it and to come away feeling this way....it is another lesson for me, another set of people who do not encourage or delight in the other.....

I had a meeting with college to get some feedback on my final piece - it was enlightening despite my disappointment. Some understanding of being on a precipice now but solidity and ego standing firmly between me and what could be. Very very sad.

Anyway I have some ideas as to what I want to do, I'm trying to let the strongest one surface! I'm desperate to be creative again but a bit fearful of what to do next. So I have signed up for two postcard projects to focus me - not my usual thing but a chance to so some work small scale and it may stimulate something else.

The first is Love Arts Festival in Leeds being run by Arts and Minds - a network for mental health awareness. They are mounting an exhibition of 50 postacrds that explore emotional responses to art and happiness. You are encouraged to submit a postcard of your own so I thought I'd take part in that - 

http://loveartsleeds.co.uk/happiness-postcard-exhibition/   

The other is the Great Big Stitched Postcard Swap which I heard about from a fantastic blog called 'do what you love' - something that has touched me deeply as I make my decisions

Take a look here - 

http://dowhatyouloveforlife.com/

The stitched postcard swap involves creating a postcard on the theme 'Bloom' and swapping it with someone who could possibly be from another country! How exciting to see how someone else responds to the same theme. So I'm going to do that too and hope that these stirrings solidify!

 My house is nearly sorted - carpets are coming this week so I am madly painting walls before that happens! I have loved buying things for the house - finding bargains and putting it all together - it has been quite some time since I had free reign over a decor. And I am slowly starting to love it. I find it interesting watching myself buying these things, delighting in the little additions that add character, wanting it to look ok - what is that about? Its an outward thing - why is it important to me? Important enough to spend money I really don't have! I wonder.

And money is an issue for me at the moment - needing to figure out what it means to me before I make my choices.......

 

finished

Its over.
The exhibition process was ... what can I say....emotional? Stressful? Words escape me and in the end I find it difficult not to think there was some personal issue - the course leader is possibly one of the most obstructive, unpleasant, egocentric people I have ever met. I am left wondering what the purpose of the process was? I talk to people on other courses and the end of year show is treated as an opportuity to showcase the students work, they are actively given help and encouragement and direction from their tutors - this is not something in my experience, nor the experience of my fellow students from what I can gather.
The placing of my work behind a door was a clear indication of their belief in it. And on the night the door was propped open against my work so most of it was hidden. I really wasn't sure what to make of it.
I tried. I fought back. And I can hold my head high knowing I kept going despite no encouragement, no guidance, no opportunity. I wanted my wire piece to be displayed - at the very least it was a piece of interest - but no choice was given - it was her show - it came down.
And I understand that, I understand she works for a college that pay her wages, she must show that the college is producing students who make new work but I also know my work stimulated some discussion and response - but what did it say being put behind a door?
Its over.
I worked damned hard. In the last 6 years I have seen death, breakdown, divorce, house move - my god so much life! And still I kep going and in the last 6 months I put so much work into it.
Its over.
I got a 2:2.
I am disappointed. It isn't me being hard on myself as usual. I am not going to wallow in the feeling of disappointment but examine it - what is it telling me?
I looked back at why I was doing this.
Time to be honest.
I started this process because I needed to be creative again. Art was missing from my life - well something was!!
I knew as I went into this that I wasn't a fine artist. I am creative, I enjoy the creative process but I can't conceptualise. I feel but I am unable to transpose those feelings into something visual. Whatever I try to make is never successful enough. 
I wanted a degree. I had not had that opportunity from school. My mother said if I went to university I wouldn't have a home to come back to. I wasn't brave enough to go. This was my chance. I didn't want to do fine art - I felt art and design might be better or surface textiles was my true love....but I worried I would want to express myself too much and I couldn't do them part time. And I had to work, I had children.....I made a choice. I thought that I could do fine art.
I enjoyed the aspect of self expression but thats not always enough in fine art and actually what I enjoyed more was the process of making art - the exploration of materials, effects, I struggled when I had to add a meaning to it - I failed when I had to do that.
I was told I wasn't a conceptual artist - ah relief - but at the same time I was told that this course was not designed for people like me and so I would struggle. I was lead by conceptual artists who didn't seem able to help me find my own way in my process.
And every time I was forced to add  a meaning to my work - which I did - and immediately it started to fail.
Maybe, in hindsight, I should have stuck out for myself but I so wanted to be one of those people who could express themselves visually. One girl produced a piece of work about her surgery using bandages - it was brilliant - I would never be able to think that way. I would be more interested in what was happening to the bandages. And thats ok its just that I don't feel nurtured in that place by the course I have just completed.
I feel fixed in a place that I should never have been fixed to - and my mark reflects that.
My mark.
Issues - to be honest I don't have much respect for the tutors. I know the work I put in. I know my work was successful and deserved better than I got and in some way knowing that blows what I am about to say out of the water however if I am to respect these people then my result is a sort of validation of the work I have done. It is a measure of how good I am and all I am worth is somewhere between 50 and 60 (story of my life!!) These professional people are assessing my work and saying it is only 'good' - I still have some way to go.  
And as I am about to try and now make a living in this field it is something that has caused me to evaluate myself.
I want to be sure of my reasons for doing.
My reason for getting this degree was outward recognition. It was to say to those that said I couldn't that I could. It was so that people would think I was clever, talented. I wanted to prove to myself I could do this.
And yet I was setting myself up for a fall before I even started. It was the equivalent of taking a physics degree! And if I look at it that way I did great! But I did it for the wrong reasons and whenever you do something for the wrong reasons you don't get rewarded.
I have learnt nothing about making art. I have learnt plenty about the business and the composition but nothing about how to tap into myself. I have learnt that I can be creative painting teacups - I don't want to have to add a meaning onto it all the time - and who are they to say that I am not successful.
If I think back to 2 years ago when this all started we had to say what we were going to over the 2 year period - I wanted to look at line. Lines interest me but for no greater deeper meaning than they interest me. It isn't saying anything deep and meaningful about me, I'm not trying to communicate something hidden in my pscyhe through them - if anything I like drawing, doodling. I wanted to see if I could use different materials and take a line off the wall. BUT NO!!!! I HAD to attach meaning!! So I said I was drawing attention to spaces........was I buggery!! I was doodling!! And as soon as I did that I created a space where she could tell me I wasn't successful. Where she could measure me. Of course I'm not successful - lots of much more interesting ways to draw attention to space! I wish I had the nerve to stand by myself and say - its about nothing - its a process. But still I don't quite get process - more understanding to be had there.
I did do well. Whatever the reason, I learnt some things and I got to do some art - albeit mostly rubbish!
And I am left now wondering what to do. I know people like Damien Hirst and others left college with no degrees, a degree is not a measure of your talent as an artist but the truth is I don't think I am an artist.
I don't know what I am. Who I am.
All I know is its no big deal.
I will try to enjoy being creative for the joy of it. No need to produce anything with any meaning anymore. And nor do I want to. And maybe in doing that my meaning will come out.
I feel like I am starting now. Trying not to say what a waste of 6 years.
I have a degree. At least I can use that to get me on but that degree is a measure of my success at my subject - and it shows I'm not successful.
So thats that eh.
Much reconsidering to do.
Right now am tired, very very tired. This whole thing has change my life - brought about irreversible changes when all the time I just had to to love myself.
Relationships are over. A phase of life is over.
Its over.
Its all over

working out

Just a quickie.

My space prepared, yesterday I set up my projection - took good time getting it right, feeling ok with the positioning. Today I had most of the day to myself (the children are on half term holiday - one riding and one playing football - bliss!) so I devoted 4 hours to painting.

It was very quiet in college surprisingly so I could concentrate and got quite a bit done. I had estimated it would take about 6 hours to paint and this is about right - I got most of it done today so have a few more hours to do and it will all be ready! Phew!

So, next I will finish the painting and then place my knitted wire in front of it all. I also have to get my sketch books up to date and finish my rationale then get it all in order for the assessment on Monday.

Below are images of what I achieved today - I'm really pleased. I can imagine doing this in all sorts of interesting places and the impact of drawn line and projected line is fscinating - whilst the projection is on the two really cannot be differentiated. The top image is the projection and the drawn line, the one below the drawn line only.

Problems / challenges?

'there is never a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek the problem because you need its gifts' (Richard Bach)

OK - yesterday I went into college for the clear out - all the full time students have allocated studio spaces - it is our job to clear all the spaces and turn the studio into a gallery. It was fairly chaotic but a sense of all mucking in together. I met some lovely full time students that I am sharing a space with.

I also got to find out the space I have been allocated to show my work for assessment and for the degree show. It was not great news.

None of my 3 proposals seem to have been considered - with the tutor either not reading my very detailled diagrams and photographic proposal or not understanding my diagrams and photos of where I was asking for so I have been allocated a corner......behind a door.

 

The corner allocated is the one directly behind the door and the whole of the wall space to the plug socket.

Devastated doesn't come close.

I talked with two of my tutors who agreed it wasn't great but that I could see it as a challenge to make the most of it. The tutor who allocated the space insisted it was architectural and a great space. And after 6 years of this experience its hard not to take it personally. I considered the possibility of going up. Up into the roof space - that has interesting, unnoticed spaces. Lets keep in mind the point of my work is to draw attention to unnoticed space, to inject complexity into overlooked space. 

I went back to college later in the evening and took my projection with me - I had to see for myself what I could do with the space instead of worrying about it or complaining about it. I was determined not to be beaten by this, by the system - artists must have to work with spaces that aren't perfect and if I can pull this off then it will be a great learning experience....a gift.

 

The gallery space is not ready - there are wooden boards waiting for construction so its not an ideal environment but it was enough to get an idea that it would be ok.

The door is not great - I don't know how it will be on the night - its a fire door so I don't think it can be propped open, similarly it can't be removed but the positive aspects were that it is the first piece of work seen as the room is entered, the wall space is generous, if the door is allowed to close behind you the work can be viewed in its entireity and I think my work is strong enough to not be down heartened by the space behind the door - if anything it does what I want - it draws attention to an overlooked space - it draws you into that space and gets you to look where you wouldn't normally have looked.

I have been inspired by artists such as Sarah Sze and Hesoop Yeon and they actively use awkward and overlooked spaces.....so, I accept the gift and will continue. 

2 weeks to go

There are 2 weeks to go now until the assessment. I will try and keep this updated to show the process - and maybe to vent and stay calm.

I am feeling ok. The practice session really helped me to know whether it was going to work, how long it would take, what to do on the day etc. I have been knitting like crazy to create this huge piece of knitted wire to hang in front of the drawing.

I took the picture to show how long it is now - its about 6 feet and has taken me about 14 hours - luckily I can knit in front of the tv with the children - they are grateful as usually I am in a different room working!

Its a glorious piece of wire - so lusty and robust! I am loving teh photos I can get from it - something else to do - enlarge the pictures - I am thinking of putting some into some shows but that can wait.

So - tomorrow the department at college starts its clear up - everything needs to be removed from the space and stored and the spaces allocated - some time ago I put in a proposal for 3 prospective spaces and I have not  yet found out which one I have been allocated to put my work in. The walls have to be painted white and the floor has to be painted grey - I'm not sure about the floor as work needs to be installed and then taken away to paint the floor and then re-installed! Logistical nightmare. I am hoping to go along and help out tomorrow. Then I think we can start to install our work.

Mine will take approximately 7 hours to do - I have the children for the next 2 weeks (bad timing!) but I am planning to take them along for a couple of hours each day next week. I can do nothing this week for work and child commitments. Yes, that adds to my anxiety when I think about it.

On the home front - the house is all but finished and weirdly I spent all Saturday painting my new kitchen/family room! Mmm probably should have been doing art but I had to take my mind off something crappy happening in my personal life. The new room is a beautiful space and I have my posters bought at the Leeds Book Fair when I took part in that earlier this year - I have been saving them - they are my new inspiration and I love them!

I will sign off with some images of the wire.....

Practice Time

Ok, we are into the final few weeks.

At college we had our final tutorial and a walk round the proposed gallery space so that we could complete a pro forma detailling where and how we wish to install our work. There are few suitable corners to be honest but I found at least three options. My tutor seemed quite interested in my work and supportive of what I am trying to achieve so maybe she'll give me a good space!? Good news was that we are all focused and doing ok as the assessment deadline approaches.

As I went to my tutorial I was considering the relationship between the projection and the drawing - I knew that the drawing wasn't enough and that the projection was much more interesting and why but a couple of people had said what about both? My tutor included. The only way to find out for sure was to practice.

So this weekend I hired a studio space for the weekend. It was an opportunity to have a practice run - to intall in a studio space, to time the installation and to assess the effect in as close an environment to the real thing as possible.

It was a very worthwhile thing to do. I learnt much. I was originally painting the line in a dark tone of ink - it wasn't working with the shadow however to change the tone of the line made it more difficult to differentiate between the line and the shadow. It was the right thing to do. It isn't enough as just a line, nor as a shadow - having both creates a third layer. It defines the shadow and also leaves a line on the wall when the viewer walks in front of the shadow raising the question 'is it the shadow or the line?'

    

So - thats the installation sorted....ha! Now on with the knitting! I ordered 5 reels of wire, knitted for 2 hours and got an 18 inch x 12 inch piece of knitting and no wire left! Ordered some more but it didn't arrive - I'll have a job load arrive tomorrow! My calculations reckon that I will need 50 reels to do 10 feet - at £3 a reel!! Its ok..

House wise the kitchen is in, the floor is down and I have been able to move some stuff from the conservatory to the new kitchen. Still need electrics and an oven and a cooker hood and then its on to the bathroom! Have to say am fairly worn out - had a day just chilling and reading back to work tomorrow.

nearly there

Its been a couple of weeks. I've been working but my house is being renovated so things have been somewhat chaotic! The wall between my kitchen and dining room has been taken down - I have no kitchen and am living out of boxes in the conservatory! It will only be for another week though so be ok!

Art wise I've been looking at the subtleties between a projected line and a drawn line. Still working in my corner I have definately decided on using the knitted wire, not the threads. I have found a resolved way of hanging the wire in front of the drawing ...it just a matter of deciding whether to do projection, drawing or both!

My plan is to fill the entire corner with the image of the knitted wire - the question is drawing or projection? Whilst the drawing is stunning there is something 'dead' about it - certainly when compared to the projection - the projection has many qualities that cannot be captured in a drawing.

Another option is to do both - really explore the concept of the line - where the drawn line ends and the projection starts - a couple of people have suggested that to me. And so to fully explore this, my plan is to do the installation in a studio so I can see for myself. It will also help me with the timings etc.

Another aspect for consideration if I project then the projector becomes a part of the installation - I can't simply place it on the floor and ta-da! Do I have the projector in a white square? Do I block out the edges so I am projecting a thinner space.....all to be resolved and 4 weeks to go!

This week we had our final tutorials - all went well, we seem focused and on with. We got our plan of action for the assessment and final show - we have to go in to clear out the studio space, paint the walls, paint the floor, install work. Then we have to go in for the assessment and again for 2 private views and then finally to take the work down and get our grade!

Much to do.